How to talk to your aging parents about downsizing

The first time you ask your aging parents if they’ve given any thought to moving out of their big, rambling house, they might quickly change the subject.

The second time you raise the topic a few months later, your mom might say something like, “You worry too much about us, dear.”

The third time, your father might respond curtly, “Thank you for your concern, but please focus on taking care of your own family. We’ve been running our own lives for years.” In other words, kindly butt out.

These child-parent exchanges, while common, often lead nowhere but to generational stalemate. Both sides have valid points of view.

» READ MORE: Philly is one of the worst big cities for aging in place.

The kids don’t really want to tell their parents what to do; they only want to ensure they stay safe as they age. They might make the following case:

“Mom and Dad, you are becoming unsteady on your feet and have trouble climbing the stairs in your cluttered and poorly lit, three-story house. Aren’t you afraid of tripping, tumbling down the steps, and suffering a hip fracture or concussion? Wouldn’t it be easier to live in a smaller, one-floor home?

The parents don’t really want to tell their kids off; they only want to grow older with their dignity and independence intact. They might counter by saying:

“I know you mean well, but it would destroy the life we’ve built together if we were forced to move out of our home of 40 years. We’re comfortable here. Our memories are here. Our self-identities are rooted here! Moving into some little box somewhere would feel like entering the last phase of our lives — a step closer to dying.”

Such differences often prove irreconcilable at first, and the parents consequently stay put and keep aging. Over time, they may fall, worrying their kids even more. The stalemate comes to a crashing end on the day that a parent is injured and moving becomes an urgent necessity.

As clinical psychologists who have spent over 30 years specializing in helping older adults and their family caregivers, we’ve learned there is no surefire way for frustrated adult children to approach their parents about downsizing without ruffling them. But there are ways to better balance protecting their safety with preserving their dignity.

The key is communicating to parents that you want to be their advocate for aging as they want, not necessarily how you think would be best for them. That should be said specifically:

“Mom and Dad, you are doing great now, but everyone gets older. I don’t want to interfere in your lives but would like to support you to live as you prefer in the years ahead. How would you like to live as you age?”

Your parents might still dismiss you by saying, “That’s nice. We’ll let you know,” but you will have at least placed an important topic on the table in a loving, nonconfrontational manner.

Taking a more direct tack by saying, “It’s time for you to move,” almost always provokes parents to react negatively to what seems like a frontal assault on their self-determination and parental authority. They will dig in their heels and ward off any further conversations on the subject that you attempt.

If parents say they plan to live as they’ve always lived in their own homes, adult children should then respond by saying, “Let’s work together on that. What changes would your house need so that you can stay there for as long as you want?”

There are many possibilities for making these changes and increasing home safety. These include environmental modifications, such as adding grab bars to the shower stall, installing handrails and a chair lift on one or more stairways, and putting a ramp to the front or back doors of the house.

If parents balk at these modifications, saying they will ruin the house’s aesthetics or embarrass them with their neighbors, then you can say, “These are just ways of helping ensure that nothing bad happens so that you don’t need to move.” In essence, you are linking adding safety features to supporting them to live as they want.

Here’s our tips on how to respond to common objections raised by aging parents who are opposed to moving:

Cleaning a house with 40 years’ worth of clutter is an overwhelming task that they don’t have the energy to tackle.

Your helpful counter: You will work with them — closet by closet, garage, attic, and shed — to help them sort out what they will keep, what they will donate, and what they will discard. Or you will hire a company that helps with decluttering or clean outs to assist older adults with getting ready to put a house up for sale.

They often have no idea where they would move to. Close to friends who may have relocated to a sunnier part of the country? Close to you or their other adult children? Into a small apartment or a senior living community? And seeing today’s eye-popping housing prices, they may panic about rapidly blowing through their savings.

Your counter: You understand that financing housing is a challenge today. You will walk through the learning process with them by meeting with an aging life care manager, certified financial planner, or other professional who will provide advice about how it can be done prudently.

They feel deep sadness about the prospect of leaving their longtime home.

Your counter: You will tell them that you, too, will grieve the place of so many family memories. But those cherished memories are portable, kept close to the heart, wherever they and you go. You will just be glad and relieved to have your parents around, safe and sound, for years to come.

» READ MORE: Ask Philly-area centenarians what they've learned in 100 years

As a last resort, if your parents choose to stay in their home even while at risk of bodily harm, you need to be honest with them about how their decision may affect you. Gently tell them that, if they fall, you will be the one to help pick them up and recover. Calmly point out that, if they need to move precipitously, you will be the one scrambling to find them a safe place to live.

Having done all you can as their loving child to preserve their dignity, it is OK to ask them as your loving parents to look out for your needs, too.

Barry J. Jacobs and Julia L. Mayer are husband-and-wife clinical psychologists based in Media. Their new book, "The AARP Caregiver Answer Book," was published by Guilford Press in July.